earth.

my blog is ugly

2005-07-09T08:08:00.000-04:00

and i don't know what to do about it.
oh well.

some things deeply sadden me

2005-07-07T22:19:00.000-04:00

i sometimes wonder if i'm just being dramatic.
is it the hormornes? or are things really just fucked up enough to make me sad?
*shrug*
believe me i'm a happy person lol i just wonder sometimes
i heard some shit earlier that made me cry
and i had to think "did i really have to cry over this? was it that serious?"

or

is it just the hormones?

i let the people around me deccide..
to them i've always been crazy tho, pregnant or not...

peace

Madukes

2005-06-29T20:58:00.000-04:00

i used to look up to my mother so much as a kid.
back when salt n pepa and all them was out
roxanne shante to me they was tryin to be like my moms lol
she been bashy from way back (she went through this stage where she dressed like everyday she was goin to a rap video set.)
she was just always that chick everybody was tryin to fuck wit.
i get that from her
i've always been like her lil' homegirl
at twenty five sometimes it's hard to play that position
'cause she's done things that would get a homegirl cut off nahmean? lol
but she's moms

i'm scared.

2005-06-28T22:48:00.000-04:00

i try not to be nervous, for the baby
but sometimes i be straight up shook.
i hate when my mind races like that *sigh*

hot and bothered

2005-06-23T22:22:00.000-04:00

i truly know the meaning of that phrase. i know this shit sounds like i'm complaining but this shit is unbelievable. UNREAL
shit would be all good if true were here. but nooooo he's off somewhere watchin the nba finals. basketball is corny (hatehatehatehate). being horny is borderline painful. i know why the cat in heat yalps (c) maya angehood. peace

summertime is here!

2005-06-21T07:11:00.000-04:00

brooklyn in the summertime is my favorite place to be.
well i aint never been nowhere else durin the summer but i love bk in the summertime.
that's all :)

peace

father's day

2005-06-19T23:18:00.000-04:00

on days like these (mother's day, father's day, anniversaries, etc) me and true usually just naturally take the time out (usually the first thing that day) to tell each other how much we love and appreciate each other. and we wish each other a happy *whateverthedayis*. today was no different. true spent all day yesterday with tahir so they got their lil' time in. he said he just wanted to spend today resting so that's what he did. i gave him some of the best head of his life (shit, our lives)and we knocked out a couple of rounds while tahir was napping. there oughta be a husband's day for all the husbands out there puttin it on they wives proper. i would celebrate that shit with a parade and fireworks.

anyways
i never called my father. my mother called me. she told me my father spent today with his sons and their mother. she seemed a lil' jealous (i was so tempted to say "you mad?") but i ain't say nuthing. i think she wanted the three of us to kick it today. that just was never gonna happen and i hope she can understand why. she'll get over it. i'm sure he wasn't even thinkin about me today. its all good though. he spent fathers day with the people who can actually call him a father, i can't be mad at that.

i'm hungry but i think i should just go to sleep. i've gained 7 lbs in like a week (maybe a week and a half) i need to slow down lol

peace

rantrantrant

2005-06-16T17:37:00.000-04:00

raveraverave
poutpoutpout

peace

25 1/2

2005-06-15T19:54:00.000-04:00

this year so far has been one of discovery and deep self reflection.
sometimes i feel like i'm not going anywhere (physically) but truly i'm moving
a mile a minute in my mind. (i wasn't even trying to aliterate like dat)
i realize with every new, old bit of information i gather i can use as i raise my children. i don't want to fix my kids before they get a chance to be. i want
to make an environment for them where they can grow with the least amount of (emotional) damage.
and i don't mean sheltering them from the world. i just want them to reach age seven with their self esteem still intact, nahmean? so i just takes those bits of information
and i relive them out in my mind, then look at the person i am today. i made it. i can be hurt
and angry and even cry about it but i'm here.

PEACE

key

i eat

2005-06-15T06:37:00.000-04:00

that's how tahir says "i'm hungry" or "can i eat" depends on the situation.
when he says it as a question it means he's asking.
either way he repeats that shit so many times during the day it's insane.
mama i eat? i eat mama.
alternating between the two all day long.
i know what you're thinking "FEED THE DAMN KID!!!" lol
I DO!!
he's just always hungry! and he's so big. he's not fat (YET!! j/k) but he's
defenitely bigger than most 1 year olds.
i don't give him food whenever he asks or we'd definitely find ourselves on Maury.
he cries sometimes but whatever. thats his problem lol
anyway the lil' homie needs his breakfast

PEACE :)

dealing with things you never deal with

2005-06-14T20:08:00.000-04:00

chances are you've been dealing with them all along
i'm still trying to figure out how certain events in my life affected my growth.
its hard though. sometimes i just want to ignore it all and just k.i.m.
but i'm learning that you can ignore things all you want
they're still going to exist and they're still going to affect you.

PEACE

key

Wow. I didn't even know father's day was in June.

2005-06-12T17:42:00.000-04:00

The more i think about it the more i realize this is probably common knowledge.
I don't know what i'm going to do for father's day. I feel like he should do something for me, to show that he appreciates being a father. does that sound selfish? *shrug* maybe. Right now he's just in my life. i appreciate that but sometimes i find myself expecting more. i feel like i overrated the whole situation. i love him though. he's a really nice person despite everything. i feel like if i were to have met him on the humble i would have been cool with him just the same. he's that cool. but he's just that guy. is that what a fahter is supposed to be? maybe i'm just mad because i feel like he missed the chance to show and prove his dedication to me. right now all of that is just talk. i don't mean to sound bitter at all. i just wonder about things like that. should i defend him because he's cool? even though he did what he did to me? i defend my mother but she dealt and still deals with her consequences everyday. maybe sometimes i wish i could put my father through some type of punishment. but then i think maybe him being away from me so long was punishment enough?

i don't know what else to say. peace

FUCK COMPUTERS

2005-06-12T17:26:00.000-04:00

FUCK AIM
FUCK SPYBOTS
FUCK ALL THAT SHIT

my brother and his wifey are having a boy :)

2005-06-11T09:40:00.000-04:00

i heard through the GrapeVine™ aka Mom Dukes that my older brother Saa (saayid) and his wife to be are going to be having a boy! i'm mad he ain't tell me himself but that's neither here nor there. he's hard to keep in touch with...but i'm ALWAYS here, he coulda called me...i'm not bitter though :P

speaking of pregnancy and such
my morning sickness has slowed down a *lil* bit but is still very much existant and makes its presence felt e'ryday. its beyond on my nerves by now i'll tell you that much.

can't wait til this baby comes. first week in december seems so far off *sigh*

Dignity Cyan Hol' Inna Panty © bunny wailer

2005-06-10T00:47:00.000-04:00

True brought home this DVD (JamJam 2005) the other day.
Bunny Wailer came out to speak to the audience before the concert.
it was a roots and culture reggae concert...he started goin off on the dancehall artists
talking about "all dem a chat bout ah buddy innah pussy" (buddy = dick)
and he went on to say that the woman's pussy is not just a whole for fucking
but a sacred passage "even jesus ah come true diss sacred passage...so we no haffi treat 'oman like she no have no sacredity about her".
i enjoyed his speech. he seemed mad angry though lol on some bill cosby shit(not as bad at all but just on some old man yelling at the youts shit lol)
well anyway dignity cyan hol inna panty.
in other words...you can't determine the worth of a woman just by her pussy
seen?

PEACE!

key

My Husband Asked Me

2005-06-07T23:49:00.000-04:00

why do i wait up for him.
he said if it's for sex i could go to sleep he'll wake me
(i don't doubt that for a minute)
but that's not it.
i don't know, just really love to greet him when he comes home
i don't care what time it is (he doesn't stay out THAT late)
true indeed a lot of times its 'cause i want to bone
but what's wrong with that? i don't think anything's wrong with that
stop judging me :P
i think there's something to be said to the fact that
i still miss him so intensely
even when he goes to the same place(s) everyday
for the same amount of time
i just want to be with and up underneath him all the time.
i guess that would only be bad if he didn't want the same
when you have to make loot though its sacrifices you gotta make
so he makes them.
he still calls me a lot through out the night (like when we first started out)
we still talk about just random shit
and joke about what we're gonna do when we see each other later.
the conversations we have now are even more cool since tahir was born
because we get to build on that
and with the new seed coming? we plan and build on what's to come everyday

my husband asked me why i wait up for him every night and i told
"because i love you" :)

one day

2005-06-01T22:53:00.000-04:00

i'll think of something to blog about
and i'll actually be near my computer when i do.
that'll be the day!

peace

key

Mother

2005-05-27T23:04:00.000-04:00

A practical motherhood, a protection of womanhood and a respect for the role of the female
By FinalCall.com News
Updated May 17, 2005, 11:08 pm

A special one-on-one with Minister Ava Muhammad and Final Call Managing Editor Dora Muhammad

Final Call (FC): What are some of the ways a woman can prepare herself—her mind, body, spirit, home and relationships—for motherhood?

Minister Ava Muhammad (AM): The word “prepare” means to put someone or something in the proper condition or readiness. A female’s preparation for motherhood begins when she is still in the womb. We read in the Holy Qur’an, Surah 3:34, of a pregnant woman who declared, “My Lord, I vow to Thee what is in the womb, to be devoted (to Thy service), so accept (it) from me; surely Thou, only Thou, art the Hearing, the Knowing.”

In the very next verse, it is revealed that the pregnant woman is the mother of Mary, who was chosen to be the mother of Jesus. It is a proven fact that the unborn child is living an active emotional life in the fifth month of pregnancy. Mary was being prepared to be the mother of Jesus before she was born. Mary did not just wake up one day in adolescence and decide to become the mother of Jesus. She was pre-qualified for that exalted position by the actions of her own mother.

FC: Minister Farrakhan said we, as women, are marrying unproductive cuteness. What is the value of properly selecting a mate and its impact on what kind of chidren will be formed out of that union? How can we better understand and practice the science of reproduction?

AM: A spiritually evolved woman understands the difference between chasing men and choosing a husband. The difference has a profound effect on the quality of life for her, her offspring and her community. Strong married couples build wealthy families which, in turn, build affluent communities. When the majority of babies are born to single individuals, or into marriages that don’t last, you can’t sustain an economically sound community. There is a lack of physical comfort because we are not pooling resources. People are fighting over child support and stretching one income among several households.

What does physical comfort have to do with spiritual and mental growth? In a community where marriage is not prevalent, people tend to think as individuals; they don’t think like nation-builders. There is no plan to ensure air, light, trees and flowers and safe streets for children. There are loud, discordant sounds; people argue and fight and commit criminal acts due to a lack of space and a sense of deprivation. They can’t think creatively. Eventually, residents become depleted and suffer high blood pressure, strokes and cancer. So, people come in from other areas and sell us drugs, so we can escape the horror of our reality. These are just some of the consequences of being careless in choosing a mate.

FC: People are suffering from an increased pressure on their minds because we are in a world that is falling, Minister Farrakhan said, explaining growing mental imbalances and illnesses in society. What are some ways and means by which mothers can consciously raise balanced and sane children in today’s mad world?

AM: This falling world is precisely why careful planning is necessary in the mate selection process. A woman really cannot rear a balanced, sane child in today’s world without help. More than ever, the presence of a mentally and spiritually developed man is essential in the struggle for balance. Seventy percent of Black children in America do not live with their fathers. Forty percent of those children have not seen their father in at least a year and 50 percent have never visited their father’s home. Is it any wonder then that we remain on the bottom of the social and economic ladder? The absence of the father on such a large scale creates a void that cannot be filled by community centers or mentoring programs.

FC: Generations have faced teenage pregnancy and the ways of handling it varies from culture and society. In our communities, women are raising their grandchildren, due to teenage mothers—with limited education, opportunities and resources—unable to take care of them. As Muslims, we do not advocate abortion as a solution, nor do we consider these circumstances as healthy progress for our people. Is it too harsh to call teenage pregnancy a problem? Is it a failure of motherhood of the teen girls? What shifts need to happen in our attitudes, beliefs and practices of sexuality as women in order to raise our girls to maturity before they become mothers themselves?

AM: Teenage pregnancy is more than a problem, it is a crisis. In the Book of Genesis, God instructs man to “be fruitful and multiply.” We are multiplying before we are fruitful. Predatory men and misdirected boys are impregnating our young girls before they have any chance to develop self-respect. In order to be “fruitful,” we have to be ripe, or “arrived at such a stage of growth and development as to be matured and ready for use.” A female is not ripe when she grows breasts; she is ripe when she is ready to fulfill her divine purpose. Women, in Minister Farrakhan’s words, are “the co-creators with Allah (God).They are Allah’s (God’s) assistants in creating a better world.”

Again, we have to go back to the root cause of these social problems, which is the absence of stable marriages. Studies have shown that girls who grow up without a father are more likely to become pregnant during their teenage years than girls who have a father present. In the meantime, parents have to be vigilant and unafraid to impose restrictions on their children in terms of their activities and whereabouts. The part of the brain that fully understands the consequences of one’s actions does not mature until the age of 25. Hormones are raging long before that, so our children desperately need our supervision during the teenage years.

FC: Can we curb the prevalence of child abandonment which results from many pressures, manifested in poverty, little education, underemployment, indecent housing, etc.?

AM: If one is mature and properly prepared for parenthood, then child abandonment is almost beyond the realm of possibility. Parenting is like marriage; it has tremendous value, so there is a tremendous difficulty factor attached to it. If you enter it without a strong commitment and faith in Allah (God), you are destined to fail. Allah (God) declares He will try us with loss of property, even life. How can we consider abandoning our children, no matter what circumstances come about, if we have any faith at all? The prevalence of child abandonment and abuse is not the result of pressure as much as it is the result of a lack of faith and a lack of character that would enable us to withstand the pressures of life.

FC: We are seeing more cases of zero tolerance applied to children of color. In fact, there was a recent report that concluded (and partly entitled) that zero tolerance leads our children from the schoolhouse to the jailhouse. It seems that these policies openly sanction teachers washing their hands from reaching and teaching our children, while our children have suffered this reality covertly for generations. As mothers, what must we do in order to help bring the balance that is obviously needed?

AM: This country was founded on racism and the institution of slavery. Free labor is an essential component of its economy. The 13th Amendment abolished involuntary servitude except as punishment for a crime. As involuntary servitude was ending, state prison systems were being established to replace that institution. We live under a system that is structured to guarantee a free labor pool, which supports a largely nonproductive wealthy class at the very top. So, our children are being handcuffed and shackled in kindergarten. The only solution to this problem is to establish our own schools.

FC: The “Leave No Child Behind” policy of the government has been criticized as penalizing struggling schools by basing funding on test scores. How can mothers compensate for and supplement the limited resources offered by their child’s school in order to give their children a solid education, if they are unable to move them to a stronger school?

AM: In the words of Minister Farrakhan, “As long as we live with White people, we will live under them.” We cannot escape the Honorable Elijah Muhammad’s demand for a separate system of education. Parents are in no position to compensate for the limited resources offered by their child’s school. We already pay taxes to support public schools. Most parents work all day. Why should they have to supplement something they already pay for? A child is in school for six or seven hours a day. Why should they require debriefing and re-educating when they come home?

FC: In several cities in Mexico, the raping and mutilation of women is occurring at astronomical rates, while very little prosecution of criminals occurs, making these cities sadly a prime case study of impunity for crimes against women. As a lawyer, mother of girls and a Muslim woman, how should the enforcement of law be strengthened in order to protect women in society? Do we need new laws (i.e. castration laws), greater investigation (specialized law enforcement agencies) and/or stronger prevention (mandatory manhood training)?

AM: Just as crimes against Black people go unpunished because of racism, crimes against women go unpunished because of sexism. Sexism limits a woman’s freedom to study and express the Word of Allah (God). As women become disconnected from Allah (God), they produce men who are motivated by the weak germ of the mind. As men grow weaker, they cease to protect their women from outsiders, and eventually prey upon her themselves.

One of the most self-destructive acts a man can engage in is rape of a female. Violence against women produces hostility toward men. Minister Farrakhan has warned the man that a woman can dull his genetic powers by the way she thinks. Manhood training is definitely needed. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said these words, “My beloved Brothers in America, you have lost the respect for your woman and therefore you have lost the respect for yourself. You will not protect her, therefore, you cannot protect yourself.

FC: What are your thoughts on women participating on every level of the commemoration of the Million Man March 10th year anniversary?

AM: Women participated on every level of the Million Man March in 1995. Of course, at the time, a small number of women bought into the media-produced gender issue concerning the March. No one has a problem when groups of White males gather to facilitate self-interest, or White females, or even Black females. But when Black men begin to gather, an alarm is sounded. A nation can rise no higher than its woman. But our rise has to be on the strength and character of the man. It is essential that the man, the backbone, be straightened, that he can lift us up. He must be made, not only to see the necessity of our elevation, he must be empowered to bring it about.

FC: Many misplace their criticism of Arab culture onto Islam, pointing to women now being allowed to vote in Afghanistan and Iraq as leading Muslim society in the right direction toward democracy and away from Islamic culture. What is the proper role of the woman in Islam, and, for that matter, in all religious cultures who use rituals and scripture to cover their sexism in keeping women second-class citizens?

AM: Sexism is more pervasive in the practice of religion than in any other institution. Islam, Christianity, Judaism and most religions are male-dominated and oppressive in practice, though nothing in the Bible or Holy Qur’an justifies or even rationalizes the way women are held back from expressing their skills, talents and intelligence. I believe this can be corrected only when women decide to submit to Allah (God) and take no other gods besides Him.

FC: You were the first woman to be appointed over a mosque in the Nation of Islam, and really the Islamic world, while in some countries, women cannot even enter the mosques. Recently, a Muslim woman created an “uproar” by giving the khutbah during ju’umah prayer. Why is there such a seemingly wide gap in what women feel they can do in Islam, and actually do, and how can we close that gap as women in the Nation of Islam, in our lives in particular? What, if any, is our duty and responsibility to the women worldwide in Islam, and the potential of our leadership by example and by direct action? What is our duty and responsibility to women in general worldwide?

AM: The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said, “Before there was Sun, there was a woman.” This describes someone with serious power. There actually is no gap between what we feel we can do and what we actually do. The problem is that many women honestly feel inferior to men just as many Black people still believe they are inferior to Whites. It is the product of generations of oppression.

However, when knowledge comes, we must have the courage to act on what we know is right. Muslim women must be much more supportive of one another and become advocates of the right and duty of the woman to teach Islam. Sometimes members of oppressed groups become their own enemy by spreading the perception of the oppressor. I have found resistance to the idea of a female minister to be as strong among females as it is among males. This is why you don’t see many women in the ministry. And until the woman’s perception of Allah (God) is expressed, all of humanity will continue to suffer.

FC: Thank you.

© Copyright 2005 FCN Publishing, FinalCall.com

NEGLECT!

2005-05-25T07:18:00.000-04:00

my blog how i neglect you so.
i got you later on, i promise. right now i'm goin back to sleep
:D

peace

The Diamond Life

2005-05-21T07:02:00.000-04:00

http://www.guerrillanews.com/videos/viewer.php?id=2&spd=hi

the diamond trade causes terror in Sierra Leone

The CIA, Crack and Your Hood

2005-05-21T06:53:00.000-04:00

http://www.guerrillanews.com/videos/viewer.php?id=1&spd=hi

short flick dealing with cia and their hand in the drug/crack game.

COINTELPRO

2005-05-20T19:23:00.000-04:00

http://radio.indymedia.org/uploads/fbicointelprowaronblackamerica.wmv

Powerful flick about amerikkka's war on black people.

YUHYOO MAMA!!

2005-05-15T15:56:00.000-04:00

tahir told me he loved me today :)
of course my husband coaxed him into sayin it
but it was beautiful to hear regardless.
it was over the phone. they're over true's friends house right now
doin manly things like
playin xbox and listenin to mobb deep and watchin sports and junk lol
anyway i called up to see how they were doin
and before i hung up true told me to hang on...
he got tahir on the phone and in the background i hear my husband
saying "say 'i love you mama'....'i love you mama'."
finally tahir said it!
yuhyoo mama
i love you too tahir! :D
i almost cried it was so sweet

peace

I Officially Know Too Much

2005-05-12T06:43:00.000-04:00

and i want to out some people.
i want to make them feel like shit
i want to kick them all in the face and throat a few good times
i want them to push them from a really high place
and hear their bones crunch when they hit the ground...

and i don't know any of these people
i've never seen them in "real life" and don't know their
"real names"...and they didn't even wrong ME
but if you knew what i knew, you would feel the same way.

i have absolutly positively ZERO respect for muhfuckas like them
ZERO
and if i were to ever run into any of them in "real life" (i won't)
i would definitely have some words. they would be scared.
"who is this random big black woman and why is she cursing me out!?!?! oh my god she's about to hit me!!! *AAACK*"

now whenever i "run into" them my blood will boil...
mind you i don't know ANY of these people,
not even the party that was screwed over in all of this but there are children involved...because of this this shit makes me furious!

*sigh* it may be time for me to take a break from my favorite site soon.
this is weighin on my heart heavier than it should

peace

key

When You Wish...Upon A Staaaaar...

2005-05-09T06:33:00.000-04:00

WE WENT TO DISNEY WORLD!! :)

It was great.
When I was little my older sister's father took her to Disney World.
That's the only time i remember being jealous of her...
i have told my husband this story a few times and he remembered :D

We stayed at a hotel not too far away and rented a whip.

went to the Magic Kingdom on Thursday
I did not go on Space Mountain because i'm a punk biatch! but True did
he said it wasn't that bad. I hate rollercoasters so i don't care lol it would have been bad to me. I went on Splash Mountain though...if yall could see the picture lol
(you know how they take a pic of you RIGHT when the coaster is about to plunge)
I look like i thought i was gonna die lol
the it's a small world ride is stupid! and that song WILL get stuck in your head!!
I went on some other rides too. can't remember the names of them
OH there was this one Lilo and Stitch ride that was on some 3d shit
that shit was hot

My "morning sickness" attacked a lil more than a few times during the trip but i made it through. I'm glad i'm only a few months pregnant otherwise i wouldn't have been able to ride shit

Then the animal kingdom on Friday. THAT place is fresh. I wanna go back
At the animal kingdom they had this Dinosaur named Lucky
of course it was not a REAL dinosaur. But it damn sure looked real
and it walked by itself and when you pet it he would close his eyes and shit
like a cat. it was mad "life like" lol dope shit Audio Animatronics is GANGSTA
I want a dinosaur now lol
We went on different "safari" like exhibits. it was dope
we went to epcot later. We only stayed there a couple of hours until they closed.

Aside from visiting the different themeparks of course we made a lotta good lovin inbetween lol
it was great :)

On saturday we checked out of the hotel and headed to Miami
we stayed with at his cousin's house (his cousin was not there; he goes back and forth from Jamaica). It was beautiful. We went to the beach, we drove around and peeped the city a lil' bit...then back to the crib for some of that good lovin (lol)

Just as i suspected i would i missed tahir so much. i kept calling moms to see what was up. at one point he was crying for me :( i wanted to hop on the plane and come back but he was alright. he missed me too.

Sunday we landed back in NY in the evening. I slept and slept and slept.
Now here i am. today i will rest some more...a nigga tired as hell.

PEACE!

THE HONEYMOONERS

2005-05-04T23:49:00.000-04:00

in about 10 hours i'mma be on a plane on my way to
somewhere warm and sunny
and i'm goin wit the love of my life;
the man who taught me what love means
and what love takes...the man who loves me
regardless of whom or what.
a great father, husband, lover and friend.
he who made all the love songs of my childhood/adolesence
real.
he whose swagger screams "DON'T GET SNUFFED!!" b.u.t.
whose personality speaks love, peace, sweetness...
and we're gonna enjoy ourselves no matter where it is we go
as long as we're together it's peace.

i'm gonna miss tahir. i've been a couple of days with im being at my moms crib
but i've never been so far away from him. it'll be okay. grannie is great wit kids
i'm not worried...i just know i'mma miss him tho.

thanks for all the well wishes from those who constantly wish me well.

PEACE to you and yours as well.
always take the time out to enjoy life...PEACE

key :)

SEX ...again

2005-05-02T07:13:00.000-04:00

Last night was...extraodinary
and i just thought i'd share that.
his penis and my vagina make a great team
nah for real
im so serious lol

i better be careful tho
kween said she had heard from a bird
dat
this one chick got pregnant...while she was already pregnant!!!

I KNOW! THAT'S FUCKIN CRAZY!!!

eggs just fallin out the ovaries and shit
dag
can you imagine dat shit??

speakin of doublin your pleasure
i been thinkin about twins a lot lately.
they run in my mother's family. she has a set herself
that would be wild if i had twins. THAT i'm not sure
i would be able to handle wit such "ease" lol
my mother had my brothers a year apart
then
two years later had my lil' sisters...dat shit was ROUGH

it actually caused a lot of anxiety for my mother
and caused her to do the illest thing she could have ever did
leave us.
but that's another story for another entry, another time...

MORNING SICKNESS UPDATE:
i think everything i ate yesterday
got stirred up in all dat sex
and decided to leave this morning
through the ENTRANCE! ugh
i'm sitting here tryin to eat a peice of wheat toast
and i can already feel my stomach workin against it
about to kick the toast the fuck out.

i'm going to lay down. maybe get a belly rub out this bitch

peace

:)

CHILLIN

2005-05-01T16:10:00.000-04:00

that's what i'm doing today.
chillin dumbhard
True has been out wit Tahir all day today.
i told them to go on wit out me 'cause
i need a break.
too much movement will mess me up
i've been tryin to eat as much as i can to get some nutrients and shit.
and i only threw up twice today (YAY!)
which is actually good 'cause that was when i woke up
at 6 this morning. everything has been staying down since.
i'm happy about that
i been sitting at this computer all day long
only getting up to use the bathroom and grab something to eat.
CHILLIN is good.

MRS

2005-04-30T07:03:00.000-04:00

i got married on tuesday.

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!?!"

yep.

what took me so long to say something? *shrug*
it was pretty uneventful lol it was like goin to get ur taxes done or some shit. strickly business
True's bestfriend Black was our witness
tahir was ackin crazy as usual. though he chilled long enough for us to exchange vows.
we're goin on a mini vacation/honeymoon next weekend
(for those of u who knew i was waiting and didn't know what i was waiting on...the vacation package was what my husband was waiting on. saving up for it)
i still don't know where we're going though (it's a suprise! sometimes i hate suprises lol i wanna know NOW!!)

i really hope my morning sickness doesn't affect the trip
it has been really fuckin wit me lately. me and tahir don't go out as much
'cause i just can't. everything makes me sick and bein sick all day makes me tired. it's a vicious cycle :(

i'm mad amped about this baby though. seriously. i bought mad unisex baby clothes the other day. i wanted to just cop a bunch of pink shit but i ain't want to play myself lol i still think it's a girl b.u.t. i rather be safe than sorry, sittin wit a bunch of clothes i can't do anything wit. we need to start thinkin of some names. i'm takin suggestions. if you know any dope afrikan or arabic names get at me.

PEACE

mrs. keybored :)

how do the lost keep on finding me?

2005-04-22T07:07:00.000-04:00

you ever seriously ask yourself that question?

i've been askin myself that a lot lately
mostly as it pertains to the internet...i keep running into people
who are going through the shittiest of bullshit
and i feel compelled to leave them with kind words.
it's all peace though. i'm not complaining...i just find it a lil' yakno weird lol
like why me??

IT'S FOURTWENNY

2005-04-20T18:26:00.000-04:00

and yes i got lifted in commemoration (sp??)

something ill my mother told me today
that i've probably heard a million and one times in my life
but for some reason this time it struck me different
maybe it was her tone of voice when she said it.
maybe it was the way she said "you know what i mean, key?" afterwards...***

"you don't just stop bein in love with somebody"

hmm.

i hear you ma. but i'm still tryin to understand.

peace

key

***or maybe i was high.

hmm...it's been a long time. i shouldn'ta leff u

2005-04-19T18:54:00.000-04:00

wit out a dope beat to step to.

my life.
sometimes i wonder about it.
my parents i wonder about dem niggas too
what the fuck.
sometimes those are the only words i have to express myself.
what the fuck.
something's wrong wit dem niggas.
does love really make you do crazy things? or do crazy people sometimes fall in love.
then do crazy things??
my parents were supposed to be each others number one
and they played themselves.

(long story short: moms kept my father from me in hopes that that would make him want to get back with her. didn't work. my father at one point was married and he cheated on his wife with my mother. that marraige dissolved behind that.)

for what?
*shrug*
i'm tired of asking questions 'cause the answers might just be more lies i have to sort through. what ever they do is their business.
i don't know how this is going to effect my relationship with my father.
he's supposed to be tryin to get back and he lyin? what is that?

that's all the shit that be on my mind.
then i look over at my family and everything is straight.

tahir is so big. still haven't cut his hair yet. True wants to cut it.
i like braiding it when he's sleep :)
somebody asked me if he was 2 the other day. "he speaks so clearly"
dat's my son :)

well i'm out.
Please Educate Allah's Children Everyday
:)

morning sickness

2005-03-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

IS DUMB WACK.

the end.

For You There Might Be Another Star...© stevie wonder

2005-03-12T12:01:00.000-05:00

(i love quoting out of context to make it fit my own ting lol)

so i'm going to be having another star (baby)!
i'm really excited
i am truly hopin that it's a girl this time around.
i wouldn't be disappointed wit another boy though...either way i'm so happy.
i can't wait to tell my husband the news.
he had somewhere to be; he dropped off the e.p.t. and tol me not to call him
he wants to find out in person.
he's gonna be so happy. when he realized i was late yesterday he had the
hugest silliest grin on his face lol i haven't seen a look like that in a while.
made me so happy to be wit him. many people have reminded me that unfortunately
a lot of guys don't take to such news the way he did. i'm reminded once again
how lucky i am to have him.

:)

peace...

So My Sister Showed Up To The Party...

2005-03-07T17:46:00.000-05:00

My sister who acks like she doesn't want anything to do with me
took it upon herself to invite herself (really my moms invited her) to my son's party. we didn't really say much to each other b.u.t. when she left i told her she could call me whenever. she said aight. *shrug*

the party was a blast
the grown ups sat around talkin and catchin up
the kids who were all ages 4-9 all rallied around tahir
and had a good ass time.
he was having so much fun you could see it in his face.
the little girls all kept wantin to carry him but he's so big
they were havin some trouble lol i had to finally tell them to just stop
'cause he was starting to get annoyed lol

my cousin had got him a dancin/singin blues clues doll, right?
well we open it up and get it workin
and that shit scared the SHIT out of tahir...he went runnin to his dad, cryin lol
the next day i got him aquainted wit it and everything was cool...
now he won't stop playin wit it! lol

the party was wonderful. started at like 3 and people didn't start leavin
until 9-10 pm.
can't wait til next year...maybe moonie'll have some friends his age by then.
:)

peace...

Celebrating the Anniversary of My Star's Physical Degree :)

2005-03-02T19:20:00.000-05:00

Tahir turns ONE today!
thats a big number...how the time moves so quickly.
i look at my son and all i can do is smile
(earlier i was watchin him in sleep and i started crying)
he has caused me to grow in ways i never thought possible
and love in ways i could never imagine.
he is my everything.
everyday he does something (so many things) to make me proud to be his mother...
sometimes i feel like i don't deserve him.
i love you tahir.
happy bornday...enjoy
the real party's on saturday :)

babies and tings

2005-02-16T17:43:00.000-05:00

i've been doin really good wit staying off the computer during certain hours.
my husband is home during most of the day time so that helps lol. i get a lot more shit done when my focus is where it needs to be and i'm not sitting around missing him. i've been reading to tahir more and rough housing wit him. i love being able to do that with my husband home. we've been more of a family lately and that makes me so happy.

speaking of family, True (my husband) has been dying to add another addition to ours. he's forever asking me WHEN!? we spoke about it seriously the other day and i'm not opposed to the idea. having another seed is within our means right now so we might just go for it. we'll see :)

speaking of babies...my older brother Saayid rang me up yesterday to tell me that he and his girl of 5 years are expecting their first child! he also announced that they gonna get married this summer. i'm really amped about all of this. i'm gonna be an AINTEE! :D

that's all for now...peace

dag its been a minute

2005-02-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

i'll hit this up wit a new entry

tomorrow

lol

i love you ma, b.u.t.

2005-02-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

i really really really don't want to hear about the issues you have between yourself and James.
especially problems like *those*.
i also think you're pushin it doin things like *that*
and i'm not gonna be the one to save you from yourself anymore.
i'm here for you b.u.t. i don't like how you put me in these positions
all the time
and the fact that you're wit James makes it all that much more uncomfortable.
i can't afford to hate him
for things that have nothing to do with me right now...
i can't afford to hate you...i need you.
please get it together...love keykey

peace

RIP OSSIE DAVIS

2005-02-05T07:56:00.001-05:00

December 18, 1917 - February 4th, 2005

"I find, in being black, a thing of beauty: a joy; a strength; a secret cup of gladness."

...and this is what we found in you. peace mr. davis.

Today My Son Said......

2005-02-04T18:22:00.000-05:00

MAMA!!!!!
Yes he did!
at like 5:40something today
i was doin my usual coaching (*pointing at myself* MA MA. say MA MA.)
and he pointed at me and said it!!
i was so excited, my excitement made him excited and
he started shrieking and laughing
then he kept sayin it over and over (do all babies do that? he has a thing with repeatin himself to the point where you think he's never gonna stop...)
i'm the proudest mama in brooklyn today :D

peace...

building...my new found love for my father made me write this.

2005-02-03T17:26:00.000-05:00

Since i met him in october of 2004 i have grown closer to my father, James, than i ever thought i could or would. Shit, i didn't even want to meet the nigga. He walked out of my life February of 1980. I was only a month old at the time. All my life as far as i was concerned he didn't exist and him tryin to make a re-entrance into my life so late in the game seemed pointless to me. He had some nerve tryin to walk back into my life 24 years and 10 months later. What did he want from me??

The fact that he wanted back into my life wasn't the only thing that bothered me. there was also the issue of the way he found his way back. The story (i call it a story 'cause i'm not certain it's the truth...) my mother tells me is that she ran into him on the street on her way back from work one day. She said they spoke for a minute and she told James that he was a grandfather. He lit up like times square at the news and requested that mother tell me that he wanted to meet wit me as soon as possible. when she told me this i couldn't help but be upset. he wasn't exactly breakin his neck to come see me before. And doubted very highly that he was that excited when he heard that i was comin. i would later find out from him that he asked my mother to get an abortion...infact. I also found out later that he let his friends convince him that my mother was sluttin herself out at the time that i was concieved and that i couldn't be his daughter. He knew better than they did but since he was young and broke, he went wit it.

James and Karole (my mother) were good friends through out high school. They hung wit the same people but they never dated. My father was too busy bein the player that he was and my mother had her hands full being a mother (she had a child @ 16 then another at 18), a student and somebody's girl (my mother always kept/keeps a boyfriend. she is what many like to call a "serial monogamist"). My mother tells me that it was my father's infamous playa ways that kept them from ever bein together. My father disagrees. he said he would have slowed down for her if she wasn't the "OG Bag Lady" (© James). She had 2 kids by 18, family drama, baby daddy drama, etc etc. That was enough to scare the young brother off. but they remained friends and kept in touch through out all of my mother's problems. August of 1979, a couple of years out of high school, somethin brought them back together. I don't know those details but apparently they were inseparable that summer. one thing led to another...and possibly another and here i am as a result.

For the longest time i never wondered who my father was or where he might be. Not as far as i remember. I might have when i was real real little but beyond that, nope. By the time i was a teenager i did however become curious as to how i came about. My mother told me a story (read: lie) about her havin a one night stand wit some random cat. I bought it and never questioned her about it again...untl the day she said she saw my father on the streets of Jamaica, Queens. Little drops of truth have come tricklin down since then. At first when she said "Oh guess who I saw today? Your father..." I thought to myself, so? why you tellin me?? I didn't think she actually held a conversation wit the man. Seein as though he was a one night stand and all and he didn't want no parts of my upbringing i figured she wouldn't have much to say to him. maybe curse him out if anything.

wrong...WRONG © charlie murphy

what i heard next threw me for a loop even though it wasn't much of anything...

"Remember what i told you before about your father? Well...I lied. Um anyway he says he wants to meet you and i think you should see him"

??? Excuse me? What? Wait, i'm buggin......WHAT??

"I told him you had a son ((I could *hear* her smiling at this point)) you shoulda seen his face keykey."

At that point i was fuckin FURIOUS and couldn't really pinpoint why. Why the fuck did she tell him that for?? what made them think i was gonna let him see my son? what made them think i even wanted to see his triflin' ass? Oh but i did have questions though. Questions i didn't ever think i needed answers to and so i hadn't even bothered to think them up...until they all came rushin to my head at once. So many of them i didn't know which to ask. I sat on the phone silent, unable to speak. She ended the brief silence with "I took his phone number down and i gave him mine. He wanted yours but i wasn't sure if you were ready yet. Let me know if you want to speak to him keykey. I'll give you his number"

and to that i replied,"i don't have shit to say to that nigga." To which she responded (and i hate when my mom says this shit 'cause she says it all the time) "Aw keykey...don't be like that." Before i screamed the million and one reasons why i SHOULD be like that i told my mother i had to go and i hung up the phone.

After a week of goin back and forth with myself, talkin to my husband, friends and siblings and even consulting the good people over at okayplayer.com's GD board I decided i should at least speak to him. even if it was just once. I had to find out what i needed to find out and even possibly give the nigga a piece of my mind. I called my mother up and told her to call him and give him my number.

I waited patiently for a week...no phone call. Just what i thought. that nigga was just runnin game when he said he wanted to see me. fuck him. "He's probably scared key. what do you say to your child you abandoned" moms said. shit, i don't know. he coulda thought of something, i thought. i was mad but i still needed to speak to him. At that point i could really give a fuck about his feelings or how scared he might be. I took his number down and sat on it for a few days. A couple of times i picked up and dialed but hung up before it even rang. Finally i let it ring...no answer. I didn't leave a message for James T. like the voice on the answering machine politely asked me to. Instead I hung up and just sat there thinking. Then it dawned on me...that was the first time i had ever heard my father's voice. For the first time his existance became real. that was really HIM...was that excitement i just felt? naaah. maybe? I put the number away and went on about my day as if nothing happened.

The next night i got up the courage to try again. The phone rang 3 times. just as i was about to hang up some one answered. it was the voice from the answering machine.
"Hello"
"Peace, may i please speak to James T.?"
"Speaking.."
"Hi uhm this is your daughter Kesha L."
I could tell I had caught him off guard. He stuttered out something about being sorry for not calling me and it was because he had been working late. Great, i thought, less than one minute into my first convo wit this nigga and already wit the excuses. He made some small talk, asked about tahir and asked how i was doin. there was a long akward pause after i answered him. Finally i just cut to the chase and said "ma said you wanted to see me??" He said yes. I told him that it was up to him to come up wit the time and the place could be my house. He told me when he would be able to come through then said "I'll bring your brothers too. they'd love to meet you." My who?? damn who could take so many gotdamn suprises in two weeks? I told him aight said goodbye and hung up. Overwhelmed by the conversation i had just had i sat on the couch with my son in my arms, staring into space, half thinking about what just happened and half drifting until we eventually fell asleep.

We met and this is my recollection of that meeting:

building

Date: Oct 12 2004

i'm so grateful for this day
my father is a beautiful, intelligent man
and a cool ass nigga to boot.
i can't tell yall how many times he apologized to me
and how grateful he said he is for seein my mother that day.
he had convinced himself that i didn't need him
and he just kept apologizing for fuckin up...
there was mad tears and hugs and forgiveness...

it makes me sad to know that i was deprived of such a beautiful person, faults and all.
he said he hated himself for what he did
bcuz his father was in his life sporadically and he knows how it feels to be where i'm at.
that hurts to know but neither of us would be the people that we are if things went a different way.
maybe my life would have better...maybe not, who's to say
its really no time now to be dealin wit what if, buts or maybes.

his sons, my two brothers
james jr. and shareef...wow. they're so tall and handsome.
the younger one i'm told is a lil' knuckle-headed
but they're both mad cool.
we all look so much alike it's scary.
i grew up not lookin like anyone in my family so it was
mad strange to see...i did a lot of staring and watchin
pops definitley has some skrong ass genes...
although he kept tellin me how much i reminded him of my mother.
(that let me know what they had was *lil* more special than i've lead to believe...i def got some more questions for moms)

my son cried when he held him lol
he chilled out after a minute but then he started reachin for me
on some "alright, that's enough. mommy save me from this strange man." lol

he liked trevor a lot.
they have a lot of things in common.

he saw the universal flag hangin on the wall
and told us about how he ran wit Gods back in his youth
but he wasn't disciplined enough to ever knowledge 120.

he also peeped the framed picture of bob marley smokin ganja
and he laughed "damn, JUST like your mom. she still smoke don't she?"
that made me laugh. 'cause she do...

we spoke on a lot of different things
and i got the answers that i was looking for
and i was able to reach an understanding
of who he is as a person...and why i needed to forgive him.
i needed this.
even if after today i never hear from him again
i'm so grateful for this day...

once again peace to everyone who encouraged me to call
and open up my heart to him...i feel like a weight has been lifted, for real.

PEACE

Me and James have been slowly building since that day. He and my mother have as well. They tried to keep their relationship from me at first but soon it became very obvious. James was constantly over my mother's house when i wasn't and i found out from my lil sisters that he was callin there all the time and even (had the gotdamn nerve lol) to spend the night a few times. For reasons i am still tryin to resolve i am bothered by their relationship to an extent. a part of me resents my mother for lettin him back into her life so easily after the way he abandoned us. i'm also a little hurt by the fact that this relationship might have begun before my mother supposedly saw James on the street tha day. I suspect she was tryin to find a way to break it to me so she made that whole story up. She has a history of lying to spare my feelings so i really can't put that past her. she also has a history of putting men before her kids feelings...so getting with my father without even thinking how i would feel about it and then lyin about it falls right in line with her bad habits. She prolly figured it would be better to lie and get me to meet him the way i did then later on on some "Hey this is my new guy James...oh and btw he's your father." I forgive her if that's the case but this is all speculation on my part. Knowing my mother though i wouldn't be suprised. i'd prolly put money on it but i haven't asked her and i don't know for sure...

Anyway despite all of that James and I have been growing closer and closer with each passing week. He calls me very often and we talk about little things...things i suspect fathers and daughters talk about. I see him almost every week at my mother's house and we hang out like a family. my other siblings really like them together and it makes me happy to see my mother so happy and to know she's wit a guy who's alright. All in all i'm glad he is in my life now (Better late than never, right? that's what they say..) He fucked up and we all know it but he's tryin so hard to make up for it. and i've decided to let him try. He was/is a great father to my brothers and he is determined to be that for me now. i appreciate him for that and i love him.

i might even start callin him daddy one of these days :)

PEACE...

IT'S NOT FAIR!!

2005-02-02T22:45:00.000-05:00

why is
that
i am
at
my most horny
when
i am
on
my fuckin period?

why?

it's not fair.
i could be tearin shit up right now...
seriously.

My Grandmother's Hands

2005-01-31T10:06:00.000-05:00

My father's mother, i have her hands.
i watched them closely when as she reached for tahir
he didn't cower like he usually does with people he's not familiar with.
when she held him he looked in her face and smiled
he reached for her nose
grabbed her chin.
she held his little hand and shook them like people do with babies
and he giggled.
she held them gently but you can see the strength in them.
through 67 years of life they were still somewhat smooth
and strong.
and they looked JUST like mine.
or i guess i should say mine look like hers...

we had a good time at my grandmother's house.

peace...

structure.

2005-01-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

more family time set aside.
more time for learning/reading/absorbing knowledge.
no more just living day to day aimlessly, waiting for things to change.
more change.
more life.

peace...

is YOUR cipher in order?

2005-01-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

i have to ask that when people get on other people for doing THEY thing.
especially when they doin' some shit that's not hurting anybody...worry about you and yours and what you bring to the universe. don't rain on another niggas parade when your umbrella got holes in it. that shit made sense. shutup.
anyway yea how you gonna tell somebody else what to do wit they life and your life ain't shit? that's all. tahir just woke up and i coulda swore his ass was sleep 5 minutes ago. i'm bout to go see what the deal is.

peace...

I Don't Have To Have A Title...

2005-01-24T08:04:00.000-05:00

On Jan 27 my husband will be adding more classes to his course load (late registration)
and he will be a fulltime student...part time hustler.

Yesterday was dope.
It started with my husband making me breakfast
(Vegetable Omelettes; made with phony eggs and phony cheese lol)
and it was delicious.
other things he did yesterday:
bathed tahir
changed his diaper whenever he needed to be changed
prepared tahir's food and fed him
changed his clothes whenever tahir made a mess of them
he played with him for hours
took naps WITH him (lol)
then for dinner he made what he called "the ill sandwiches"
fried tofu slices seasoned just so
with lettuce, tomato and non-dairy ranch dressing
on lightly toasted bread.
i wouldn't call them "ill" but they were good lol
oh
and of course we did the nasty. many times. ;)

peace...

ITS A BLIZZID

2005-01-23T02:42:00.000-05:00

thats what i said, blizzid.
and it's mad snow outside. i seen mad people walkin on the streets (mad people considering the weather. it might have been like 10 people tops lol). what the fuck is yall lookin for in a blizzard? i don't leave the house that often anyway so i mosdef wasn't leaving the crib today.

this morning before the snow began to fall i woke up at around 7 something only to find my husband still sleep next to me in the bed.

me:
"hey uhm. ain't you gonna get up and get ready for work?"

him:
"i quit"

me:
"oh."

and there you have it.
he spent the majority of the day sleeping (we got some fucking in here and there lol) on the couch...snoring. at one point i asked him if he was just gonna sleep all day and his response "hell yeah". oh.

i told dat nigga its a wrap for all that sleeping shit tomorrow. he's gonna be changin diapers and preparing food for moonie and picking up toys etc. etc. etc.
the homie kween told me to wake him up by sitting tahir on his face lol
i had moonie in my hands and right when i was gonna place him on his face moonie started laughing hysterically and all types of drool fell on my husband's face. he thought it was funny. he got up and we ate dinner...then his ass went back to sleep *rolling eyes*. 'sokay. tomorrow...it's a wrap lol

when my husband was 'sleep tahir kept walking over to him and lookin at him as if he was wondering what the hell he was doing. the snoring is what prolly really had his interest piqued. he would just walk over and stare at him...then walk away laughin and talkin his gibberish lol one of the many times he walked over to him tahir looked at me and said "dada?" lol and i just said yes moonie dada's sleeping. and his answer to that was crazy laughter. he's such i joy. :) he laughs at damn near everything.

he's been moody because he had some new teeth coming in but he's feeling a lot better now. i gave him some frozen apple wedges like i've been doing and he hasn't been crying at all...so that's wonderful.

on that note i think imma retire.

peace...

Hugging The Block

2005-01-21T17:17:00.000-05:00

He wants to quit his job.
hmm.
He says it's between school and his job right now until summer vacation.
hmm.
"I can't take this shit anymore" He says.
hmm.
I know any day now he will if it's on his bird. I don't know what to think. I guess i'm happy he'll be home way way way more than he is now. He makes way more dough doing his *other* job than he does working security but uhm i don't know. He doesn't sell crack but what he does is still not legal. *edit* but then again he's doin it anyway so....
hmm.
we'll see what the fuck happens.

peace...

Drop It Like It's HAWT...

2005-01-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

I forgot to wish Dr. King a happy birfday...
Happy Birthday Dr. King...Thanks for everything :)

I don't really have much to talk about today. My son has been ackin funny-style these past couple of days. He's real moody all of a sudden. i wonder what that's all about. one minute he's cool, the next he's whining about everything. *shrug* Moms says i was like dat so i guess i shouldn't worry.

I am so fucking horny right now it doesn't even make sense. my husband just called and he should be here in 15 minutes. my son just fell asleep, perfect timing ;)

hmmm...i guess that's it.
until next tiiiiime

peace...

She Needs A Soldier

2005-01-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

Moms picked me and tahir up at the crib today.
she had Destiny's Child's cd blasting...track 2, Soldier
that's not the crazy/funny part

i strap tahir in the back and get in the car.
we say our hellos and everything...
she goes to pull off and she turns it up.
she turns to me and she's like "girl...diss is my ANTHEM!"
*blank stare*

really ma, your anthem?
lol
she had that shit on repeat and sang every word (the rhymes too.) all the way
to her house.

love u ma.

I Would Like To Propose Toast

2005-01-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

To great sex!

cheers.

:)

The Phone Zoooone

2005-01-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

(if you watch Crank Yankers you're prolly crackin the hell up just from reading that)

I got mad phone calls today.
I spoke to my father: He wanted to know how the computer he got for my bday was running. We talked and laughed about my drunken rant/jokefest. he said it was alright, he understood. he also apologized for not being there (for the millionth time since i met him...) and i told him it was ok. "we cool?" he asked. we cool.

I spoke to my mother: we spoke about what happened yesterday. I asked her if my sister was talking shit about me (like she usually does) but she said no. i'm not sure if i believed her. but whatever. we talked about other random stuff. I asked her how her and my father were doing relationship-wise and she said they're enjoying themselves and things are cool. they bicker like a old married couple sometimes. just comin from the angle i'm at, that shit is strange to see, lemme tellya. but i'm getting used to it.

I spoke to my lil' brother (the younger one): we ain't really talk about nothing too deep. i did ask him how he was holding up since the "incident" (a few months ago he got a girl pregnant; she had an abortion a month later w/out telling him.); has he been careful and things like that. he said he's not completely over it but he's doin' fine. he told me he hasn't had sex since and that he's just tryin to finish his senior year in peace so he can get shit together. i'm so glad he feels comfortable speaking to me about shit like this and that our previous discussions on this matter actually made a difference. now my other brother on the other hand *sigh* he's a mess...that's a wholenuther entry though.

I spoke to my bestfriend (my godson Kareem's mother): i hadn't spoken to her in dumb long. maybe a month. she was calling to wish me a happy belated and we caught up on everything and shot the shit for about an hour. I miss her so much. and she lives only a few blocks from me but niggas stay on the move and when we not on the move we 'sleep; not too much room for chillin.

I spoke to my husband: like i do everyday. atleast 3 times a day. we just shitchat and say we miss each other and love each other and talk a lil' freaky and dass it. can't wait til tomorrow, he's off. too bad my mom couldn't have taken my son tomorrow. but then again my husband hardly spends time wit tahir. they got some catching up to do. i can't wait to see them spending time together.

peace...

Am I My (Older) Sister's Keeper?

2005-01-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm not so sure.
She hates me and that makes it really hard for me to like her.
Mad hard.
its fucked up 'cause growing up I used to look up to her even through her being mean to me. as a kid I didn't understand it but as i got older i see that she has always been jealous of the relationship i have with our mother. In some weird way its like she just wants her to herself or some shit. I don't know. Her and my mother are close too but they're more mother and daughter whereas me and my mother tend to be more like sisters. Its not my fault though. i didn't chose that.
it's not my fault that my father wasn't around so my mother held me closer to her than she did my sister and older brother. it's not my fault that hers WAS around so her time was split between two households.
i reach out and i reach out and i reach out and she leaves me hanging everytime.
that shit is getting old and i'm tired of having to deal with it.

She made absolutely no effort to see me or my son when i returned from Jamaica last year.
no calls or visits.
She would avoid me and only go to my mother's house when i'm not there.
Today she decided she was gonna go see my son while he was at my mother's house.
my mother called me to let me know that she was there. when she asked my sister if she wanted to speak to me
she said No.
wtf??
I told my mother to bring my son home or I was gonna come and get him and if i had to come over there i would have some real ugly words for my sister. moms knows me. i wasn't bullshittin'. she decided it would be better if she brought him home so she did.
when she got here she told me "Key this madness has to stop."
that made me mad 'cause i'm not the one causing all this fuckin madness. but i didn't say all that. i just said "tell that to Aisha." and gave my mother half of the spinach lasagna i made, took my son and told her i would talk to her tomorrow.

i'm weary.

it's like damn, i'm the one who should be jealous of her. she had a real family outside of the crazy house we lived in. her life was more full of a lot of things that i didn't get to have/experience; trips to disney world, time with her father, the joy of having grandparents, etc.
for me i've always felt like, aside from my siblings, it's just been me and moms. that's why we rock so hard 'cause she's all i've ever had and my sister doesnt understand that.

but what can i do.
if she wants to come around she'll come around. she knows where to reach me.

peace...

Tomorrow I Have The Day Off...

2005-01-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

what theeeeee fuck am i gonna do?
who knows.
my mother is off tomorrow and she said she wants to take Tahir for the day.
that's peace with me but now i gotta find some shit to do with myself. i know i won't so i don't even know why i'm frontin.
i'mma sit in the crib wishin i was gettin my back blown out is what i'mma prolly do.
same shit i do everyday 'cept the house'll be quiet and empty and shit maybe i should take my ass to her house. but i really don't feel like dealing with anybody right now. on some "if i can't be wit my baby (not that baby my other baby) then i don't wanna be wit you" type shit. but i don't wanna sit at the rest feelin sorry for myself either.
ain't shit to do though. what go to the library? i got mad books sittin right here that i have yet to read.

i would go to the mall but i wouldn't feel right shopping for some shit i don't really need while my husband's out bussin his ass to pay bills and keep the roof over our heads. i haven't shopped for myself in dumb long. i wild out when i have to buy clothes for Tahir though. (i get hook up so its cool; for the kids reading this, don't listen to what your parents say, stay cool wit that bad ass friend of yours who boosts. it'll benefit you in the long run. ha)
but anywayz i guess the malls out.

shit i'd go to a friends house but i'm the only one lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. niggas gotta work. I barely see my girls anymore. we talk and the ones who have computers email and chat and shit but we don't rock like before. *sigh* signs of bein grown folks i guess. gosh i just remembered i'm fuckin TWENTY FIVE now. sheeeat. i'mma fuck around and have a mid 20s crisis lol

my husband should be here soon.
i guess tomorrow i'll just read, cook and clean. maybe take a long bath. maybe braid up my locs. and sleep...i don't do much of that lately. i'm definitely gonna burn a few more spliffs than usual since i don't gotta be alert and on my toes. i can be high as a mahfuckin kite, listen to my sanchez and be easy.

peace...

Sanchez Got Me

2005-01-12T01:08:00.000-05:00

yeah i'ma missing you

missing you



talk to you but it's not the same

as touching you

and everytime you whisper my name

i wanna run to you



we'll be together

and it won't be long

it won't be long

but it seems like forever

and it's out of my arms

baby cuz i'm missing you now

and it's driving me crazy

cuz i'm needing my baby

i'm missing you now



can't wait another moment

baby cuz i'm missing you now

needing you right here by my side

is all that i can do

arms around my pillow at night

they should be holding you...

			- sanchez

I'm listening to my Beres & Sanchez First Degree (First Degree puts out unofficial mixes and compilations of different reggae artists) Mix CD and I swear...Sanchez is the shit. He sings like a woman sometimes but he got some beautiful songs and remakes. I know I shouldn't feel this way 'cause He's (my husband) is in the next room but i miss him and Sanchez's I'm Missing You got me right now(I wish i knew how to link music to this shit, anywayz). The song reminds me of when me and Him used to go to Bashments together. Usually at a reggae party (thass what a Bash is) they play Rock Steady and Roots towards the beginning of the set then towards the end. Sanchez is his fav rock steady artist and I'm Missing You is our song.

"Key...how the fuck can you miss somebody that u fuck e'y night and is sleep in the next room?"

I'm glad you asked me that, i'm finna tell you.
I spend a good 15 hours at the rest with my son (sometimes I spend half those hours at my mother's house)
He comes home and we play with Tahir, put him to bed then have some WE time.
that WE time is short as hell considering that He has to be in bed at a certain hour inorder to get up for work in the morning. It's only 12:30 right now and about 15 minutes ago He apologized that he was so tired but He had to go to bed. :( I usually try to keep him up as long as I can (however i can :p) but tonight i didn't even try. He works so fuckin hard it's ridiculous. He's 32 and he went back to school for US (i think that takes a lot of courage, especially for someone who hates school). so far he's been doing well but He's been talkin about quitting. Not 'cause the actual work is too hard but this schedule is just way too hectic. He also said its hard for him to miss so much of Tahir's development and only seeing him a few hours a day is really fuckin wit him. he didn't forget about me though...He also said he misses the time we used to spend together and that he wishes we could be more of a family and not just two people playing roles. All day when he's at school or work or wherever he's miserable and i hear it in the phone conversations we have throughout the day. I feel what he's saying. It's hard. I want him to be in school but I want him to be home but I don't want him to quit. *sigh*

I was gonna say more but I want to be next to him right now. I'm going to bed.

peace...

S E X

2005-01-11T11:56:00.000-05:00

I love my son but what they say about children being the biggest cockblockers is the TRUTH.
On many occasions he has woken up out his sleep while me and the mr. were gettin down, bawling at the top of his lungs. i know what u thinkin "maybe yall niggas be too loud. hold that shit down." but since he's been born we've mastered the art of quiet sex. of course there's a slip up every now and again (not my fault dammit) but i think the lil' man can feel when we're fuckin or something. My husband said jokingly "maybe he don't want no brothers and sisters that's why blockin like dat"...he may be on to something.

My husband goes to school and work AND hustles which means he's out most of the day so we don't fuck like we used to. *sigh* I miss the days when we was knockin it down twice sometimes 3 times daily. now, don't get me wrong, we always find the time when he gets home and the shit is still spectacular but it's not the same. i guess i shouldn't complain. some muhfuckas sadly enough only fuck they spouse a few times a WEEK (i really couldn't imagine) so i'm lucky but damn if i don't be longin for those days. i love to fuck what can i say.

Last night was great though.
we took the bathroom for a spin and somehow wound up on the floor (my bathroom is not that big and we're both tall but somehow we made it happen lol). i'm still up on a cloud off that one. today is gonna be a long ass day.

peace...

I'm Getting Bored With This Already

2005-01-11T01:34:00.000-05:00

This is why i post on okp.
I need the interaction...and want the attention.
i'm an attention ho, simple as that.
i'm like that in real life but to a lesser extent and not in a way that i embarass myself
i definitely love being the center of attention and i'm always up for a good laugh.
i got mad jokes son.

its funny, i developed mad early (i was almost a C at age 12 and was a DD by age 15) and to keep the attention away from my breasts and more on Key i started trying to be funny (i say trying 'cause i'm weird and half the time i'm the only muhfucka who gets my jokes. it's all good though. as long as i laugh...that's all that matters lol) and i made sure to be more outspoken with my opinion. i didn't want to be "Key the girl wit the big titties" (i guess naming myself key da bk brickhouse is a lil' contradictory *shrug* im a grown ass woman now. fuck it)
I became Key the funny girl. Key the girl who's into hip hop. Key the chick that don't take no shit from no cracka ass teacher. Key the girl who will stomp the shit out of you if you got out of line. Key the ganja baby.

For the most part it worked but you know how boys (and way too many so-called men) are. Niggas always gotta let YOU know about YOUR titties like you must have forgot them shits were there. it's whatever though. that type of attention still bother's me but more in a "damn i feel sorry for some of these dumb ass niggas" way than in a "i feel violated" way. I stopped feeling violated when guys made lude comments a long while ago when i realized, some niggas are just dumb. period. and ain't shit i can do about it. people are gonna say dumb shit. i can't let that shake me.

I love attention though.
but not just any kind.
The boys i fucked with through out high school i made sure were my true homies before any hollaration took place. 'cause niggas WILL try to bag you just so they can tell they boys they was with " shorty wit the big titties" wasn't lettin' that shit happen, no sir..

So what was I talkin about again? oh yea, I don't know how long this blog is gonna last yo. i'm gettin bored wit it already. though i do always feel better after i type all this shit out i get the same feeling from posting on okayplayer.com. sometimes i just post nonsense, sometimes it's deep but it always feels good to get shit off my chest. especially now siince the amount adult conversation i engage in daily is limited. that's something else that okp has that a blog doesn't. some adult conversation. even if half the time it's just a bunch of shit shootin and nothing more.

blah i think i'mma smoke the rest of the spliff i didn't finish and go to sleep.

peace...

Aight Here's A Real Entry

2005-01-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

I was just on the phone with my older brother. He was wishin me a happy belated birthday.
My brother is my ace. Last time i saw him was like August and he was talkin about slowin his life down. I'mma just say his "job" isn't a safe one and it requires that he travel between different states.

I find myself missing him a lot. Whenever i want to think back to a time less dramatic i think of when me my older sister and older brother were mad young; before my four younger siblings came and shit got hectic. (the drama came mostly from my mother and whoever she was with at any given time, not from my little brothers and sisters...)
back then i used to be his lil' homie. his right hand. but haven't rocked that hard since i was 10 and he was 14 and he started getting into trouble and shit. But anyway seems like he's taking steps towards slowing down. Him and his girl just bought a house (townhouse) in long island but as far as career moves he ain't really say what his plans were. I told him to stay outta trouble and he just laugh and said "yes ma. i will."

i never think about how his relationship wit ma and his father affected him. i wanted to build on that with him but he had to be out. next time...

peace...

I Got Cabin Fever (courtesy of steveland wonder)

2005-01-10T16:51:00.000-05:00

I know why the caged bird sings.

that was a joke. but do you know why you should be laughing?
exactly.

peace....

Da Da!!

2005-01-10T01:38:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more precious than seeing the look on my son's face when his father walks through the door.

My son Tahir is 10 mos old and is very sharp (mentally, for the not so sharp lol). He was walkin at 9 mos and began talking a lil' before that. He's been *trying* to talk since about 7 mos. His first word was "Hi" at around 8 1/2 month. He knows and understands what "No" means and has been using it a LOT since he started saying it. He screams out NOOOOOO! when i'm gonna put him in his play pen or when i take something from him or when i ask him certain things. It can be annoying but it really makes me proud that he understands words and the concept of speaking. He caught on to that real early. By the time he was crawling he was trying to say "Here" (he still can't/doesn't say it. he just makes a "henh!" sound) when handing me something.

He just started saying "Yes" about a week and a half ago. The fact that he knows No and Yes tells me that he understands so much of what i say to him. I ask him some simple questions ("u want your bottle?" "you wanna go to sleep" etc.) and he answers accordingly. I try to speak to him clearly and i repeat things a lot and i talk to him like he already understands everything i'm saying. I guess it pays to be attentive in that way because he's catching on so quick.

The latest addition to Tahir's vocabulary is...u guessed it: DA DA!
Me and my husband had a bet to see which he would say first, mama or dada. I've read and heard from many people that kids usually say dada first 'cause it's easier but we still went on wit the bet. Everyday we would refer to eachother as mama/mommy or dada/daddy in Tahir's presence and of course there was the occasional coaching ("Say MAMA...MA-MA"). Whenever my husband comes home i say "Look Moonie* Dada's home!!" and he jumps up and he's laughing and he runs to his daddy.(*Moonie = his hood ass nickname lol).
Last week we're sitting on the couch and I hear keys in the jingling and i'm like "Moonie Dada's here!" and he just repeated "Dada".That suprised the shit out of me. The door swung open and my husband walked in. Before I could say "Guess what Moonie just said!," Tahir SCREAMED (a good scream) and kept repeating "Dada! dada!". Seriously I almost cried 'cause it was so out of the blue and his excitement was just too much. My husband works and goes to school so we don't see him as much as we would like. When he comes home though, if Tahir is awake, he makes sure we spend time with him for a good while before doing anything else. Tahir ADORES his father and it's so beautiful to see.

That look on his face when my husband walks through the door is enough to make a hood bitch cry, yahmean?
for real.

peace...
(we're still workin on gettin him to say PEACE btw.and Mama of course)

wilona and lem, sr.

2005-01-09T01:48:00.000-05:00

my parents.
on my birthday (new years day) i got drunk for the first time in years.
i had stopped drinking a few years ago for personal reasons but this year my parents were getting fucked up TOGETHER so i thought, "hey, why not". (for those not in the know my parents fucked once or twice as 20 year olds...my mom had me...my dad was getting false information from dumbass friends that i wasn't his...shortly after i was born he stopped seeing me and my mother and disappeared into the gotham city streets and went on with his life...he reached out to my mother twice, once when each of his sons were born but my mother brushed him off...fast forward to october 2004: my parents get back together on some "friendly" shit, and my mother thinks it would be a good idea for me to build a relationship with him...this is before i find out they've been "holla'rin" at each other for a hot minute before my mother tells me she saw him on the street in queens...i meet him and my brothers...i decide to be mature about the situation and meet up wit him and things are cool. i still have a slight attitude towards him sometimes but considering the circumstances we have a very good relationship so far. he's a really cool ass nigga and i think that's what makes me mad sometimes, the fact that i missed out on having him in my life because of whatever dumbass issues he and my mother had between eachother...my parents are 44 but they both look like they're in their early 30s and act like it too. they're an item now...fast forward to my 25th birthday, jan 1st, 2005......)

so yea....they're drinking and having a good ol' time...my husband doesn't drink anymore either and tells me to slow down on the henny but i'm bent on gettin bent 'cause the time just seems right. i felt like acting a fool. and a fool i did act much to my man's chigrin (how the fuck do you spell that shit?) he wasn't mad (i don't think) but he kept shootin me looks. me and my brothers and sisters (from my mom) are all jokey jokin and my mom says something. i can't remember exactly what but i think it had something to do wit baggin my dad so i turn to my siblings and i'm like "don't ma remind u of wilona from goodtimes?? always worried about baggin a nigga..." it's all in good fun though. and i'm imitating wilona from goodtimes and shit making jokes. Moms is laughing along and shit. the whole night i'm callin her Wilona. then i peep that my dad is laughing mad hard at my wilona jokes (he was drunk and high with the rest of us) so i'm like "i don't know why you laughing. this nigga 44 and think he mekhi pfieffer. (i was drunk and that's the first nigga that popped into my mind since my dad got a baldy and got a youthful swagger about him...) Jay, i'mma call u Lem from now on." and he's like who?

"nigga, lem from soul food. that's you,"
"how come i'm not james evens??"
"you too thugged out. you gotta stay outta jail and be AROUND to be james evans. "

silence.

"oh its like that?"

"yea, it's like THAT, daddy. but u knew that."

moms was like "alright that's enough keykey."
"i'm sayin though ma. lem was a changed man. he found bird and turned his life around and shit. that's yall..right?"
i couldn't hide my slight sarcasm on that one...

i stopped gettin at him but i kept callin her wilona and him lem, sr. for the rest of the night.
i actually had a good ass time that night though.
my parents understood where i was coming from...a drunken place but a real ass place where i feel like i'm always an afterthought to them. but it's been that way from jump. i don't know why sometimes i expect more from them now. maybe 'cause they're older but they're the same people they were 25 years ago essentially. despite all the bullshit they really make a good couple and i'm happy to see them together, even if it's mostly a sex thing. wilona and lem. my parents, i didn't chose them but that's who i got and i love them 'cause they try (even though they have failed before) to show me that they love me and i appreciate that.

i am who i am because of them.

peace...

OOOOOOH. Look who the fuck is bloggin...

2005-01-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

i'll come back when i got something interesting to say.
word to mama.

peace.